The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
