he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
