sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
