I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
