Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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