Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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