Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize