Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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