96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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