Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
