My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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