The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
