My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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