The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Terrible idea I love it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
