A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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