every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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