got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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