I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
