I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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