I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
