You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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