Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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