I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
