I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
