fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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