Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
