On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i need some magic done to my vagina
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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