Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
