He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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