He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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