If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
