New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
