Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
