I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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