After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
