Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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