you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
