If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
