Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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