I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
