I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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