happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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