Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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