I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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