A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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