I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
