I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
