I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize