Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
