didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
