Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
