I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
