I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
