your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
