mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
