I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
