I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
