So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
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